1 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:08,200 {\an1}BELLOWS 2 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,240 Ah! GROANS 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,840 {\an1}LAUGHS 4 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,880 Woo-oh! 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,520 {\an1}BLASTS HORN 6 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,800 No! 7 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,160 {\an1}SCREAMS 8 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:22,440 Arghh! 9 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,240 Aghhhh! 10 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,760 {\an1}APPLAUSE 11 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,400 Hello! 12 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,600 How are you? I'm fine, thanks. You're looking well. 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,480 I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster. 14 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,400 There are five comedians hungry to stoke the fire of this 15 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,040 competition and commence battle immediately. 16 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,920 So who am I to stop them? I'm the Taskmaster, that's who! 17 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,160 But I'm also just a regular nice guy. So, here they are. 18 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,200 Your five fearless fighters. 19 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,240 James Acaster! APPLAUSE 20 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,920 Jessica Knappett! APPLAUSE 21 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,320 Kerry Godliman! APPLAUSE 22 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,760 Phil Wang! APPLAUSE 23 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,120 And Rhod Gilbert! APPLAUSE 24 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,840 And still very much keeping the dream alive... 25 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,720 that he might be a late bloomer... It's little Alex Horne! 26 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,640 {\an1}APPLAUSE 27 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:25,760 I can get on here by myself. I can get on here by myself. I can. 28 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,960 Looking a little sheepish tonight. 29 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,440 Not comfortable. 30 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,880 Yes. You're not comfortable because you're being punished 31 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,640 for the last episode. 32 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,880 Can I tell them what you've done? No, you can't. 33 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,080 They'll find out soon enough. It's horrible. Good. 34 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:39,440 Let's start the competition. 35 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,480 {\an1}LAUGHTER 36 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,080 Prize task? Yes. Prize task, OK. 37 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,800 And kindly suggested by Greg in honour of me, you said, 38 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,160 me, Mr Alex Horne. 39 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,800 Today's prize category is "the creepiest thing". 40 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:52,520 {\an1}LAUGHTER 41 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,720 You're going to award the owner of the creepiest thing 42 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,960 five enormous points and at the end of this very show, 43 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,040 the overall winner will get to take on all five creepy things! 44 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,400 Right, James Acaster. 45 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,480 I imagine you've brought in a really creepy thing? 46 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,120 I come from a town called Kettering in Northamptonshire. 47 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,360 In Kettering there's a museum called the Manor House Museum and 48 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:13,960 the main attraction in the Manor House Museum is a mummified cat. 49 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,520 Alex, please. 50 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,680 {\an1}LAUGHTER 51 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,600 Here's the mummified cat. 52 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,280 {\an1}AUDIENCE GROAN 53 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,280 God! 54 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,360 Oh, my God! 55 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,600 It is a mummified cat that was found in a wall in a building in 56 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:33,160 Kettering. In the past it was good luck to keep a cat in the walls. 57 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:38,120 A live one? Actually, that wasn't specified. 58 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,200 A really strong start. It's creepy. 59 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,400 And it's the first thing ever that's made a want to visit Kettering! 60 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,600 Kerry, what's the creepy thing you've brought in? 61 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:53,560 This is a thing that a man was wearing on a train sat opposite me. 62 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:57,120 And he maintained eye contact with me for four tube stops. 63 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,480 Long time. Yeah. It was this T-shirt here. 64 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,560 {\an1}GROANS, LAUGHTER 65 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,040 Is it the lack of apostrophe you object to? 66 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,080 {\an1}LAUGHTER 67 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,680 Really creepy. Jesus Christ! 68 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,040 I just can't imagine it ever working. As in, "OK. Go on, then. 69 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,080 "Off we go! Get the stirrups! I'm game!" 70 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,440 Phil, what creepy thing did you bring in? 71 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:31,560 So, erm, my creepiest thing is a finger portrait of myself 72 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,480 that I was given by someone who came to one of my shows. 73 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,600 Here is the painting. 74 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,840 Oh! It's quite good. 75 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,920 But... LAUGHTER 76 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:41,960 That's amazing, Phil! 77 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:46,840 Well, so, it was in Newcastle, which is creepy. Oh! 78 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,440 What happened to the old castle? 79 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,480 {\an1}LAUGHTER 80 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,640 I'll give you it is a good picture, objectively speaking. 81 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,640 But it was the idea of him sitting on his own and just stroking 82 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,080 the contours of my face. 83 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,680 Around the jaw and over the lips and just going, "Here you are, Phil." 84 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,720 It's not very creepy, though. I think it's nice. 85 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:13,840 It's a lovely picture. Oh! 86 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,680 Would you like to see Jessica...? Jessica Knappett. 87 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:21,080 It's quite simply my collection of Victorian Christmas cards. 88 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,880 OK. Here they are, the Victorian Christmas cards. 89 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,320 {\an1}LAUGHTER 90 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:32,320 These are Christmas cards? Yes. Right. So, top left - dead robin. 91 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:36,200 LAUGHTER Er, frog shagging a beetle. 92 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,520 93 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,240 Creepy. Pretty creepy stuff. Pretty creepy! 94 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,880 I mean, it's not a cat in a wall. I'll give you that. No. 95 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,080 One left. Oh, no! What? 96 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,080 Every single one of the prize tasks for this whole series... Oh, that. 97 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,440 ..it has essentially been a picture of me looking fat or... 98 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,000 {\an1}LAUGHTER 99 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,600 So given the title Creepiest Thing... 100 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,400 {\an1}LAUGHTER 101 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,720 Well, this is a rare occasion 102 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,560 where I'm not entering that picture of you. 103 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,040 It's not a picture of me at all? It's not a picture of you at all. 104 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,280 It is a short film. 105 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,800 Would you like to see the film? 106 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,560 Yeah. 107 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,920 {\an1}LAUGHTER 108 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,360 {\an1}LAUGHTER 109 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,600 {\an1}APPLAUSE 110 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,600 {\an1}LAUGHTER 111 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,480 Wow! Wow! 112 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,200 Wow! 113 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,960 That actually made me feel dirty. 114 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,280 I saw you out. 115 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,440 No, you didn't. 116 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:52,880 Fuckin' hell! 117 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,320 The orgy one is quite nice. 118 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,720 There's one point where you go, "A-pi-pi-pi!" 119 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:07,640 Ready? Yes. Least creepy... I mean, the perfectly nice picture of Phil. 120 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,880 It should have a creepier face. One point to Phil. 121 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,720 Just because they're cards and I could just turn them over, 122 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,600 I'm going to give Jess two points. 123 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,800 Two points, OK. Yeah. Fourth place. 124 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,000 I'm going to jump James up. 125 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,160 I'm going to give him four points, cos that is a creepy cat. Yes. 126 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,560 And good luck to Kettering. 127 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,920 If that's the best you've got, Jesus Christ! 128 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,360 Let's just turn Kettering into a car park! 129 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,680 OK. One to Phil, two to Jess, four to James. 130 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:30,840 I mean, without question, 131 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,640 the creepiest thing for me is that this idiot has hid in my... 132 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,640 LAUGHTER ..has hid in my wardrobe. 133 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,840 But a T-shirt that creepy can't go unpunished. 134 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,760 I'm going to give them five points each. Both get five points! 135 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,840 {\an1}APPLAUSE 136 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:46,080 Fair enough. 137 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,720 Creeps! 138 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,800 What task have we got next, Alex? 139 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,160 Well, if you go down to the woods today, let's see. 140 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,080 Hello, Rhod. Hiya. 141 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,960 Hi, James. 142 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,120 Eugh! 143 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,000 I'm scared! 144 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,560 What is this place? It's a grotto. 145 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,320 What do you think a grotto is? It's... 146 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,480 It's what Santa is, isn't it? I don't think Santa would come here. 147 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,520 Where is the task, Alex? It's on its way. 148 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,600 {\an1}LAUGHTER 149 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,400 Right. 150 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:36,240 "Poke something out of the hole in the roof of this grotto." 151 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,440 "Least expected thing poked through wins." 152 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,800 "You have 20 minutes. Time starts now." 153 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,440 Poke something out of the hole... 154 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:49,200 There won't be a pound shop nearby, is there? Are you on Amazon Prime? 155 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,800 Haven't got my phone. 156 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,600 {\an1}APPLAUSE 157 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:55,880 Who are we going to see first? 158 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,080 Well, first, we're going to see a man who will very soon 159 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,800 go by the nickname J-Caster. It's J-Caster. Here we go. 160 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,000 Poke something through the hole of the grotto. 161 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,480 Right. I know what it's going to be. 162 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,920 OK. But these guys have to stop filming me. 163 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,520 You want me to call the cameras off? 164 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,200 All the cameras off! This is going to be unexpected! 165 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,880 LAUGHTER Fun's over! 166 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,760 Right, I'm ready. 167 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,200 The cameras are back on, James. 168 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,760 Filming's back on! 169 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,480 This is genius. 170 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,800 Only advice I can give the Taskmaster for this one - 171 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,240 expect the unexpected, baby. 172 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,480 Could you tell him that? 173 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,480 You want to tell him to expect the unexpected? Baby! 174 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,520 OK. Here it comes! 175 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER 176 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,840 Oh-oh! 177 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,520 178 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,640 Do you get extra points for a song? No. 179 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:58,680 Well, that's a waste of time. LAUGHTER 180 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,120 I wasn't expecting that beautiful song. 181 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:07,240 I'll be honest. 182 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:12,280 As soon as I was holding my pants on a stick, I genuinely went crazy. 183 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:13,440 Yeah. 184 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,560 Do you want to give us a bit more of Pants on a Stick? 185 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,240 186 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,960 I just had my pants on a stick 187 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,440 Your pants? No, no! 188 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,600 Nice song! 189 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,480 Well, good. We're off to a start. 190 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:34,040 Who's next? We're now going to see a Godliman-Wang combo, at last. 191 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,560 Kerry and Phil. 192 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,160 OK. 193 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,760 If I can get something on the end of that stick, we're in business. 194 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,920 Everything here is expected. 195 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,920 It's nature, innit? It's all... 196 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,880 You know, there isn't going to be a hamburger or something. 197 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,040 {\an1}STICK SNAPS, LAUGHTER 198 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,080 Right. 199 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,920 Right, you ready? 200 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,080 Oh! 201 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,920 OK, Alex. Here it comes! 202 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,320 {\an1}LAUGHTER 203 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,400 You see that? Yeah, I can see it. 204 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,760 What do you reckon? 205 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,920 I'm worried about you. LAUGHTER 206 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,320 Thank you, Kerry. OK! 207 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,720 I might need help with a zip, Alex. 208 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,400 Sure, yeah. 209 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,640 LAUGHTER OK. Thank you! 210 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,040 Goodbye. Thank you! 211 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,280 You're right. I was not expecting to see your bra 212 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,160 on the end of a beanpole. Pleased with yourself? 213 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,120 Yeah. LAUGHTER 214 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,640 Kerry's was the only one where I didn't know what was going on, 215 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,000 so I was generally surprised when a bra came up. Why? 216 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,880 Cos, well, she went into the woods, 217 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,960 hid in a bush and took her bra off and then came back, 218 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,120 whereas the other two... And they did it on camera. 219 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,400 I'm quite glad I didn't do it on camera. Yeah. Like, I went away. 220 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,360 Privately. Yeah. Classy little... 221 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,480 {\an1}LAUGHTER 222 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,960 I didn't think Alex had a live feed, like a pervert! 223 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,800 There was a big hole in the roof. 224 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 225 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,200 I was not fully surprised by your approach, Phil, 226 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,840 because I have decided that the only reason you've come into this series 227 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,240 is to show as much as your genitals as you possibly can. 228 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,880 We had a very tender moment when I zipped you up. Oh, lovely. 229 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,640 I blew on his neck. Yeah! 230 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,920 Aw! Creepy! 231 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960 Why don't you, er...? What? 232 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,520 Why don't you go over and relive old times, have a little hug with Phil? 233 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,720 Can I? You say I don't give you moments for yourself. 234 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,960 Go and give Phil a hug and remember, if you like. 235 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,240 Oh. Thanks, mate. 236 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,280 Sit down! LAUGHTER 237 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,600 I told you! You do things when I tell you! 238 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,320 That's it. Enough. I've had enough of part one. 239 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,040 I can't stand it any more. Come back when you're part two. 240 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,800 Or don't come back at all! 241 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,280 Hi, everyone. Hello. 242 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,960 Welcome back to Taskmaster, where I'm going to instantly 243 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,160 pawn you off on Alex Horne so that he can do with the detail. 244 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,560 Thank you, Greg. Detail is my middle name and my closest friend. 245 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,520 Before the break, our competitors were challenged to stick the 246 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,400 most unexpected thing through a hole in a grotto's roof. 247 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:59,080 Last up are Rhod and Jess, Gilbert and Knappett. 248 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,800 It's poking time again! 249 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,240 I'm going to go and find something more unexpected. 250 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,080 Let's just see... 251 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,920 Argh! 252 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,760 I got that down there, don't know what to do with it. 253 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,760 It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex? 254 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,080 Thank you. 255 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,080 OK, can you come down and join me in the grotto, please? OK. 256 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,640 Can you see that? 257 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,640 Yes. The position you adopt is, if you lean forward, 258 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,320 that's it, sit back into the ladder a little. 259 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,720 I think this is going to be quite good. 260 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,320 If you undo your belt. 261 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,440 And then just pop your trousers down. 262 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,040 I might need you to pull the trousers down 263 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,240 so I can hold on to something. I've heard that before. 264 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,320 Can't pull your own trousers down. 265 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,320 Unexpected item appearing now. 266 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,920 What?! 267 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,560 It's... 268 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,040 It's on fire, Jess. It's on fire! 269 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,480 Please, don't set fire to the tree. 270 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,160 Some...classical music would be nice. 271 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,360 OK. On your leg. 272 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,040 That'll do? If you bend down, bend right down, Alex... 273 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,800 I don't want to open up... 274 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,400 OK. You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. OK. 275 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,040 Oh! 276 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,160 {\an1}MUSIC: Gloria in D Major by Antonio Vivaldi 277 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,560 OK, I've run out of water, so that is, uh, 278 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,440 that is the water feature closed for today, kids. 279 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,000 {\an1}WHISTLE 280 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,400 Your turn up, Rob. OK. 281 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,800 {\an1}APPLAUSE 282 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,040 {\an1}INDISTINCT 283 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:51,760 'I mean... I feel sorry for Jess, I genuinely wasn't expecting fire to come out of the hole. 284 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,400 Yeah! And then... 285 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:00,440 You can't compete with Alex's arse. 286 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,280 It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it? 287 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,920 As grotesque and unexpected as that was. 288 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,760 But it's also the fact that he then said, 289 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,920 "That's the water feature closed, kids!" 290 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,520 {\an1}LAUGHTER 291 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,120 That was unexpected! 292 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,480 Well, do you want to judge it? Yeah, I'm gonna judge it. 293 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,480 I'm gonna give two points straight in 294 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,800 to Kerry, James and Phil, 295 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,920 'because I think, I kind of guessed it was going to be an item of clothing 296 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,560 coming through the roof of the grotto. 297 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,720 'OK, so the bra, pants and yellow jumpsuit all get two points. Correct. 298 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,360 OK. Jess, the element of fire, I wasn't expecting, 299 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:38,760 four points. 300 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,160 APPLAUSE Second place, Jess. 301 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,600 And five points, and up to £20,000 of my own money for counselling 302 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,960 Rhod Gilbert! 303 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,680 APPLAUSE Rhod wins the toss. 304 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,680 OK, I've got the scores. 305 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,280 The series scores are very exciting, we have Phil Wang on 103. 306 00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,880 {\an1}IMPRESSED WHISTLE 307 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,360 APPLAUSE Oh, yeah! 308 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,920 Certainly sounds impressive in isolation. Yeah. 309 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,600 Second last, it's James on 122. 310 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,600 {\an1}APPLAUSE 311 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:13,120 But then it's all change, Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133, 312 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,000 Rhod's on 134. Three points! 313 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,600 APPLAUSE Whoa! 314 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,080 That's the first I've been in the lead all series. Yes, it is. 315 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,000 All change. OK. I have a scoreboard for this episode. 316 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,520 Phil is in last with three, 317 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,320 James and Jess both on six, Kerry on seven, 318 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,040 but Rhod's in the lead with ten points! 319 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,840 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 320 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,720 More, please, little Alex Horne. 321 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,960 Well, this one is a puzzling riddle 322 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,440 of a treasure hunt of a task. 323 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,520 Oh. Hi. 324 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:52,960 Hi, Alex. 325 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,120 Huh. Oh. 326 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,800 So, here we are. Here we are. Why is there not a task here? 327 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,040 Is it in this room? Yeah. It's not hidden. 328 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,880 Well, it's not not hidden, is it? 329 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,480 No. But it's not hidden. 330 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:11,880 Hi, James. 331 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,800 The task is somewhere. Right. 332 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,520 Heeey! 333 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,000 You're colder now. Colder now. 334 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,080 Warmer, warmer. Warmer. 335 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,600 Ah! 336 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,560 Carefully, so I don't pull this down. Little tug. 337 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,120 C. 338 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,400 C. Your time starts now. 339 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,200 Now look in the microwave. 340 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,040 What? 341 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,440 {\an1}APPLAUSE 342 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,320 Let's just crack straight into it. 343 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,720 OK. Let's start with the ladies. But which two ladies? 344 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,680 Where's the microwave? 345 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,240 Where's the microwave? 346 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,520 C. 347 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,480 Ah! 348 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,080 Now look in your pigeonhole. 349 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:30,960 E. 350 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,320 E. 351 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,080 Now look under the doormat. 352 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,720 C-R-E. 353 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,320 Where's the doormat? Probably near a door. 354 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,360 Oh, yeah. 355 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,920 A. Now look in the lab. 356 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:55,160 M. Now look in the little blue book. 357 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,240 What little blue book? 358 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,000 What little blue book? 359 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,880 What little blue book, Alex? 360 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,760 Is there a little blue box in here? 361 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,800 What are you looking for? A little blue box. 362 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,800 Where's the little blue book? 363 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,560 Are you OK, Kerry? No, I'm stressing out. 364 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,840 Right, OK, so there's a little blue box somewhere in this house. 365 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,160 Now look... 366 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,680 What?! 367 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,280 I can't read! 368 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,440 Now look in the little blue book! 369 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,680 Not box, book! 370 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,160 It says book! 371 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,360 Oh, this is tough... 372 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,000 Eeeey! That's clever, isn't it? 373 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,120 Love that. A tiny one! 374 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,760 S. At the beginning. Fastest wins. What? 375 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,040 S. At the beginning. 376 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,120 Creams. 377 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,160 At the beginning. 378 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,520 What? 379 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,480 No-one says that, do they? Creams? No. 380 00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,880 Scream! 381 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,040 {\an1}SHE SCREAMS 382 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,400 Creams at the beginning. 383 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,040 Creams at the beginning. Is it like, um, the... 384 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,200 A situation where people have creams at the beginning? 385 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,680 S. 386 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:14,960 At... 387 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,240 Oh! 388 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,680 {\an1}SHE SCREAMS 389 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,520 {\an1}APPLAUSE 390 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,000 I mean, it's an incredible question. 391 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,120 '"Oh, this must be a situation where people have creams in the beginning." 392 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,600 Powerful screams, though. 393 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,280 Oh, excellent screams. And it wasn't that slow. 394 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,160 They both took five minutes something. 395 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,000 I think if Kerry had realised the doormat was near the door, she... 396 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,680 Oh, hang on, is that worse than confusing book with a box? 397 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,040 No, oh, no, you were both absolutely shit. 398 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,840 Kerry took five minutes and 47 seconds, 399 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,080 Jess five minutes and 31 seconds, so Jess is in the lead at the moment. 400 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,040 Wow. Yeah. 401 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,680 {\an1}APPLAUSE 402 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,080 The end of part two is nigh. 403 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,040 Correction, the end of part two is now! 404 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,400 {\an1}APPLAUSE 405 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,400 {\an1}APPLAUSE 406 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:12,840 Hello there. 407 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,480 And if you've just stumbled across this show for the first time, 408 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,240 it's the third part of the eighth episode in the seventh series, 409 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,760 and you're very, very welcome! 410 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,920 Yes, you are. Today our contestants are playing for a mummified cat, 411 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,880 an offensive T-shirt, and before the break, 412 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,760 there was a puzzle task taking place. 413 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,240 How will Cambridge University representative Phil Wang 414 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,760 and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do? 415 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,840 This was in the microwave. Now look in your pigeonhole. 416 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,800 E. Now look under the doormat. 417 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,200 That's not you, is it? That's not what Greg calls you? 418 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,640 I'm not coming back in the room to open them any more, 419 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,120 I realise it's time wasting. 420 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,520 Now look in the lab. 421 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:55,600 Lab. 422 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,000 Where's the little blue book? 423 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,520 Where's the little blue book? 424 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:02,920 Little blue book? 425 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,800 Is the little blue book in here, is it? 426 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,080 Is it? Those aren't real books. 427 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,720 Is it on you? Why would it be on me? 428 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,320 I will strip search you if I don't find this little blue book. 429 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,440 Ah! 430 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,360 Do you want to tell me where the book is? Yeah? 431 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,760 It's where the books normally are. 432 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,320 Ah! Oh! 433 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:34,000 It says "S", and then in brackets, "at the beginning." 434 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,600 Oh, God, what does that mean? 435 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:36,920 Ah... 436 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,000 Oh, I've thrown them everywhere. 437 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,280 Bollocks. 438 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,760 Oh, scream! 439 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,240 {\an1}HE LETS OUT A SHORT SCREAM 440 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,600 You want me to scream? 441 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:50,800 Yes, please. 442 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,640 'Was that definitely a scream? HE SCREAMS LONGER Yeah, I'd say so. 443 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,240 Thank you. I'll stop the clock. 444 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,000 {\an1}HE SCREAMS 445 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,080 {\an1}APPLAUSE 446 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,840 It seems to me, every task to you is an opportunity 447 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,240 to get his trousers off. 448 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,720 And you're always wearing pink underwear. 449 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,200 Or long johns! Yeah! 450 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 451 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,600 Dear, dear, dear. 452 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,760 Phil, I think you're a very controlled man, 453 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,960 is what I thought during that. 454 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,160 You saw Rhod scream at the end, 455 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,320 that's a scream of desperation. 456 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:35,520 'And I think I'm going to give you the opportunity on camera now to really let a, 457 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,760 like a passionate, wild scream out. 458 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,360 {\an1}HE SCREAMS LOUDLY 459 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,240 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 460 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,920 Do you want some times? Yes, please. He took nine minutes and 55. 461 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,720 Nine minutes and 55. Of course he did. 462 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:58,240 'Rhod... He went out to the garden and had a sniff of some flowers at some point. 463 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,280 'Rhod took exactly the same amount of time it takes me to prepare your bed in the evening. 464 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,600 12 minutes and 51 seconds. 465 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,360 You like it so flat. APPLAUSE 466 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,640 'Just show me a situation where there's some creams at the beginning, will you? 467 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,840 Well, it's James Acaster next. Is he as good at solving riddles as he is 468 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,280 'at taking his pants off, shoving them on a stick and singing a song about it? 469 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:21,600 Let's find out. 470 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,520 A. Now look in your pigeonhole. 471 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,000 E. Now look under the doormat. 472 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,560 A, now look in the lab. 473 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,160 M. Now look in the little blue book. 474 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,320 S. Creams. At the... Oh, at the beginning. 475 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,800 {\an1}HE SCREAMS 476 00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,320 {\an1}APPLAUSE 477 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,360 I feel like that whole thing was in real time. 478 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,760 That that's the fastest ever... It was pretty much, 479 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,400 he'd already spotted the blue book during another task. 480 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,440 He'd always been aware of the surroundings. 481 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,440 You know the show more than I know the show. 482 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,760 I love it, I'm a big fan. That was a dream come true. 483 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,480 {\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 484 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,760 The time was three minutes 48. 485 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,440 {\an1}APPLAUSE 486 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,520 So, the points are one point to Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry, 487 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,160 four to Jess with her five minutes 31, 488 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,640 and five points to James Acaster! 489 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,920 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 490 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:41,240 So with that, with that, Jess has re-taken the series lead, it's going 491 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,120 hither and thither at this moment. 492 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,600 I feel like you're ready to hit us with another task. 493 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,200 Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready, because I am ready. 494 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,800 And for this one, the contestants really had to learn 495 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,800 to compose themselves. 496 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,200 Ah! 497 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,480 Hi! 498 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,400 Hi, Alex. Oh. 499 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,880 Hi, Rhod. All right? 500 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,800 Hello. ALL: Hello. 501 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,200 Hello, James. 502 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,520 Compose the best 30 second piece of music. 503 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,040 The best? Yes, please. 504 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:27,440 Oh, yes. Played into my hands here, mate. Fuck you. 505 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520 You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now. 506 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,520 Oh, my God! 507 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,280 Can you play all of these instruments? 508 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,720 We can play a mix of them. 509 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,960 I'm a percussionist myself. 510 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,320 'If you think of sticks at all... They're fine. You're not a musician, mate. 511 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,120 Um... What's that guy? 512 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,440 It's a melodica. Oh, let's have a go of that. 513 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,920 {\an1}HE PLAYS MELODICA 514 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,080 Well that's staying. 515 00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:55,920 {\an1}APPLAUSE 516 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,480 Uh, another one of your catchphrases coming out there. "Fuck you." 517 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:02,720 Some of the others you've used throughout the series, 518 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,360 "Fuck you." "Bebeh." "I'm punk." "Suck it." 519 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,840 Just so you know. 520 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,160 Let's see... 521 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,160 A little bit more decorum when you write music. 522 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,560 Who should we see first? 523 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,440 Well, just to say the musicians would only do what they were told, 524 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,080 and we're going to see James and Jess. 525 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,880 And Kerry and Phil. 526 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:24,560 And Rhod. All creating their pieces. This is them composing. Lovely. 527 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,080 What sort of rhythm are we after? 528 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,280 Um... I reckon you guys can just vamp 529 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:34,440 a 12 bar blues structure for a bit and I'll try and think of a trump. 530 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,120 In the key of E minor, so it's melancholy. 531 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,120 We're in Eastern Europe. 532 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,120 {\an1}HE PLAYS A LONG NOTE 533 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:42,480 Do the Hendrix chord. 534 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,000 Right, here we go. 535 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,600 Here we go! 536 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:48,600 OK, yeah, so let's just jam. 537 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,000 You might need to give us a bit more instruction. Oh, really? 538 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,360 A little match girl has arrived at a house. 539 00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,720 A little what? Match girl. 540 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,760 Play a bit of music that sounds like this. 541 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,440 {\an1}SHE HUMS A TUNE 542 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,800 {\an1}HE REPEATS TUNE 543 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,400 {\an1}HE IMITATES ROCK GUITAR 544 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,800 I've got to go, And then you go, 545 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,280 There we are. 546 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:22,120 'Now let's hear the matches. The matches? Yeah, shake the box properly, just to demonstrate. 547 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,280 MUTED GUITAR What the fuck was that? 548 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,760 do-do-do-do-do. 549 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,320 550 00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:34,840 yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 551 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:38,240 dingy-ding ding 552 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,680 dingy-ding ding. 553 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,320 554 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:49,160 555 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,520 {\an1}TUNE REPEATS ON INSTRUMENTS 556 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:51,800 That's pretty good! 557 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,800 I don't think I'm adding anything with this. 558 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:55,920 I like it. Do you? Yeah. 559 00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:00,240 OK. You're right. It's my band anyway. 560 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,120 {\an1}APPLAUSE 561 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:05,600 I quite fancy him. 562 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,560 'I hope you'll take this in the spirit it is intended, Jess, but sometimes 563 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,000 watching you is like watching an episode of Sesame Street. 564 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,760 {\an1}LAUGHTER 565 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,600 "We're writing a song!" 566 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,560 That's really who I am. 567 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,800 I don't know why you're laughing, Kerry. What? "Diddly-do". 568 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,960 I mean, I cannot tell you how excited I am 569 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:28,760 to hear these pieces of music. 570 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,000 OK, let's do it. The first movement 571 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:32,480 which we're going to hear today 572 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:35,040 is by Philip Wang. 573 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,640 We're Kill Phil with the Yellow Blues. 574 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,280 One, two, three, four. 575 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,600 {\an1}BAND PLAY 12 BAR BLUES 576 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:43,680 {\an1}TRUMPET NOTE 577 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:46,840 {\an1}TRUMPET NOTE 578 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:49,920 {\an1}TRUMPET NOTE 579 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:53,640 {\an1}TRUMPET NOTE 580 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:04,760 {\an1}SUSTAINED TRUMPET NOTE 581 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:05,800 Yeah! 582 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:07,600 {\an1}APPLAUSE 583 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,720 'Did you essentially get some talented musicians to play 12 bar blues? 584 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,720 Uh, with a tune that I made up. 585 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,040 Did you hear the trumpet solo? 586 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:18,560 I heard the trumpet solo. 587 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,840 'It sounded like one of the band had his mum turn up outside and she was honking her horn. 588 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,680 Yeah, like how the blues was born! 589 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:30,560 I was told that you play the trumpet. 590 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,760 I PLAYED the trumpet. 591 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:34,560 In that clip. 592 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:36,080 {\an1}LAUGHTER 593 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,080 Uh, OK, we are off to an absolutely terrible start. 594 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:42,640 What?! 595 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:47,640 'Let's see another wonderful piece of music. Would you like to see the lady sitting next to Phil? Yes. Yes. 596 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,720 OK, this is Kerry's effort. 597 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,200 The masterclass! 598 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,360 Here's my band, Hokey-Cokey Goodtimes, 599 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,800 and it's called 600 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,360 Having A Great Time Any Time. 601 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,440 One, two, three, four. 602 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:04,440 {\an1}BAND PLAYS SLOW, FOLKSY TUNE 603 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,280 {\an1}APPLAUSE 604 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,920 I felt like a parent watching it. 605 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,720 Proud? Proud or ashamed> 606 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,960 I had to rush from the meeting for the... Oh... 607 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,400 It was VERY GOOD, darling! 608 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,160 It was catchy. 609 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,720 It was a nice little tune, and I did, it wasn't like a standard 610 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,160 blues riff, I mean, I composed it from scratch. 611 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:55,720 No way. 612 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,160 It was... Brilliant. 613 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,200 Really good. 614 00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:05,040 You know, it was vaguely engaging. 615 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:06,360 Who's next? 616 00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,680 OK, we're going to see someone who has genuinely been in these bands. 617 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:10,960 Pin Drop, Three Line Whip 618 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,480 The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement, 619 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:17,240 The Capri Sun Quartet and the Wow Scenario. Yes, it's James Acaster. 620 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,640 {\an1}APPLAUSE 621 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,600 We're Clump Stump, and this song is called Over My Shoulder. 622 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:28,120 623 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:29,440 624 00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:30,840 625 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,640 626 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,800 627 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:38,240 628 00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:45,600 629 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,560 630 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,160 631 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:52,960 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 632 00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,760 Can we dig down into what the lyrics were about? 633 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,920 Cos I know what the spirit of punk is all about. Yeah. 634 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,000 Not conforming, not fitting in, 635 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:06,280 not being told what to do by The Man upstairs. 636 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,760 You've got to look over your shoulder your whole life. Yeah. 637 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,000 Cos you never know who's sneaking up on you. Yeah. 638 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,520 You can't trust no-one. 639 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,400 That's why I sing over my shoulder, 640 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:15,640 older and older. 641 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:17,280 That's what I told ya. 642 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,360 'Then you started getting, you said, "I'm getting colder." Getting colder. 643 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:25,240 'I'm getting colder. And then you wondered if something was a boulder or not. Is that a boulder? 644 00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:28,360 Yeah. Is that a boulder? That's a metaphor for what? 645 00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:29,880 Like, is that a boulder? Yeah. 646 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,400 Or is it a big rock? 647 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,320 {\an1}LAUGHTER 648 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,480 Right, it's the advertiser's turn for some air time now, 649 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,360 but more music coming up in part four, 650 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,720 'plus, who will win Jessica Knappett's Victorian Christmas cards? 651 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,280 It's nail-biting entertainment television. 652 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,320 {\an1}APPLAUSE 653 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,360 {\an1}APPLAUSE 654 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,640 Welcome, welcome, it's the final part of the show, 655 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,960 and we're in the middle of a toe-tapping musical task. 656 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,720 Indeed we are, Greg. Armed with three talented musicians, 657 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,320 Kieron Towers, George Bismer, and of course, 658 00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:09,880 yes, it was Dan Edwards, 659 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,080 the contestants are trying to compose 660 00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:14,040 the best 30 second piece of music. 661 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,280 Next up, it's Jess. 662 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:18,040 Hi, we're the Easy Triangles, 663 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:19,560 and this is our new hit single. 664 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,400 Here I Am, I'm A Violin. 665 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:26,120 {\an1}BAND PLAYS UP TEMPO VIOLIN TUNE 666 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:48,760 {\an1}LAUGHTER 667 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,640 {\an1}APPLAUSE 668 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,880 It strikes me that that jig - 669 00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:58,480 would you call it a jig? Sure. 670 00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,120 That jig is missing only one thing. 671 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,920 A jig. Someone to perform a lovely dance to it. 672 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,960 Jig, jig, jig, jig! 673 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:08,680 Yes, yes, yes, yes! 674 00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,160 {\an1}APPLAUSE 675 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:11,600 Do you want me to conduct? 676 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:12,640 Yes. 677 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:13,680 Yes, please. 678 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:15,560 One, two, three, now! 679 00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,480 {\an1}JESS' TUNE PLAYS 680 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:21,680 {\an1}AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG 681 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,960 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 682 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:47,680 I'm sorry, Jess, I feel like we've taken 683 00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:49,840 the spotlight away from your wonderful song. 684 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,360 No, please, all I ever wanted was for the people to dance. 685 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,280 {\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 686 00:35:56,280 --> 00:36:00,160 So, Rhod Gilbert. Here is Rhodri's tune. 687 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,440 This is the Ballad of The Toothless Goon, 688 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:06,040 performed by The Little Match Girls. 689 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:09,880 'SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS Eastern Europe. We join our toothless goon 690 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,960 in an unassuming house, on an unassuming street, where he sits 691 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:14,920 by an unlit fire. 692 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:20,320 He snores, deeply. 693 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:24,240 Fast asleep, despite his cold and stony hearth. 694 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,640 Wait, what's this? A knock at the door. 695 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:28,880 {\an1}KNOCKING 696 00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,640 The little match girl, selling her wares. 697 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:35,120 'She can't get the toothless goon's attention. KNOCKING 698 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:36,840 So deeply does he sleep. 699 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,800 She shakes her matches and bangs the door, and in her desperation 700 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,680 she decides to knock at the window and shout. 701 00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:45,160 (IN HIGH VOICE) Hi! Toothless goon! 702 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,920 Hello! 703 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,000 Toothless goon! 704 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:53,920 Despite her shouts of Toothless goon, the goon sleeps so deeply 705 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,120 our little match girl decides to come round 706 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,560 the back of the house and put the window through! 707 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,320 But still, our goon, he sleeps. 708 00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:05,000 {\an1}MUSIC CONTINUES SLOWLY 709 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,320 Deeply and loudly. 710 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,040 He dreams of teeth in days gone by, 711 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:14,200 and a lit hearth. Our little match girl approaches with her matches 712 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:16,280 and rests her hand 713 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,440 upon his slumbering shoulder. 714 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,520 Whereupon our goon wakes up with a startle! 715 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:22,960 {\an1}HE SCREAMS 716 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:26,120 Whizzes round and shoots her shitting face off! 717 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 718 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,200 {\an1}SAD NOTE 719 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,480 {\an1}APPLAUSE 720 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,600 It's amazing how the last line of a beautiful song 721 00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,520 can rug-pull the rest of it. 722 00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,120 Rhod's composition was operatic, 723 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,280 in that it felt like it lasted about five hours. 724 00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:53,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER 725 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:55,240 How long did it last, actually, Alex? 726 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:57,280 It lasted three times as long as it should have. 727 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,040 A minute and a half. A minute and a half. 728 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,760 Was it supposed to last for 30 seconds? To be fair to Rhod, 729 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,280 it's a harder narrative to cram into 30 seconds 730 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:05,960 than "some people play blues" 731 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,320 and "An irritated mother honks her horn." 732 00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,280 I'm not going to give anyone one point, that's the good news. 733 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,440 Because I thoroughly enjoyed all pieces of music. 734 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:17,760 You've been generous today. I am being generous today. 735 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,280 I am only going to give Phil two points, 736 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:23,240 because I think it'll encourage him to really dig down 737 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,600 and learn the trumpet properly next time. 738 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,760 I'm going to give Kerry three points. 739 00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,720 It was a very pretty tune. Thank you. 740 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,320 I'm going to give Rhod four points, as well as James, because 741 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:36,120 'I think that story is going to be told for up to one month after this show. 742 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:37,320 {\an1}LAUGHTER 743 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,680 And the most complete piece of music, 744 00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:41,120 Jessica Knappett. Wow. 745 00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,080 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 746 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:46,760 So let's see what that's done to the scoreboard. 747 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,600 Well, we have a three way tie for the lead 748 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,480 between James, Jess and Rhod, they're all on 15! 749 00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:55,760 {\an1}APPLAUSE 750 00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,120 Right, it's that time again, please, 751 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:01,600 head up to the stage for the final task of the show! 752 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,040 {\an1}APPLAUSE 753 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,360 All on a lovely stage, who's going to read the task? Rhod Gilbert. 754 00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:18,360 Bob when you hear the surname of a famous Bob. 755 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,240 {\an1}LAUGHTER 756 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:23,760 That's a bob, is it? 757 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:25,480 Brilliant. 758 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,720 Pat when you hear the surname of a famous Pat. 759 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,840 Kneel when you hear the surname of a famous Neil. 760 00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:34,520 Stew when you hear the surname of a famous Stu. 761 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,200 Stew? Stu. 762 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:38,320 Do you mean stir? 763 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,960 Stew, the international sign language... 764 00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,880 Anybody want some stew? 765 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,920 And wane when you hear the surname of a famous Wayne. 766 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:51,280 Like the moon, getting smaller, like the moon. 767 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:56,440 Right. I love this. 768 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,080 If you do an incorrect action or fail to do any action 769 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:00,760 within ten seconds of hearing the name, 770 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:01,880 you're disqualified. 771 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:04,720 Last person correctly bobbing, 772 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:07,040 patting, kneeling, stewing 773 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,480 or waning, wins. 774 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:11,280 So, blindfolds on, please. 775 00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:12,640 Good luck, everybody. 776 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,840 Greg will say a surname, you then have ten seconds, 777 00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:16,360 I will be counting the ten seconds. 778 00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:18,760 At the end of that we see who's though to the next round. 779 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,280 Good. Here we go. 780 00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:22,640 Marley. 781 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,000 {\an1}LAUGHTER 782 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:30,440 That's it, yeah. 783 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:32,360 OK, OK. 784 00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:37,480 And that's ten seconds up, they have all done the correct action. 785 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,600 I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be congratulated for doing one bob. 786 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:41,960 Next one. 787 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,600 Armstrong. 788 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:50,240 {\an1}LAUGHTER 789 00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:58,880 James Acaster! James Acaster. James, you must go back to the bench. 790 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:02,240 I was thinking about Lance! I was going to lance somewhere! 791 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:03,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 792 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:05,960 {\an1}APPLAUSE 793 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,600 Sit on the bench. 794 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,960 First man on the moon! 795 00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:15,320 There are four left. 796 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:17,800 Sleep. 797 00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:20,280 Sleep? 798 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,360 Wang! Sit down! 799 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:29,560 Wang is out! 800 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:31,560 Come home. Come home, Wang. 801 00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,600 Phil, that was Wayne Sleep. 802 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,160 Second man on the moon. 803 00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:38,600 OK, here we go, next name. 804 00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:40,680 This is going to sort to wheat from the chaff. 805 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:43,160 Gretzky. 806 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,800 {\an1}LAUGHTER 807 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:53,520 Gretzky? Gretzky. 808 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,760 Three seconds. He's got to do something. 809 00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:57,640 Oooh! 810 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:01,120 OK! I'm afraid we have lost Kerry Godliman, 811 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:05,760 who referred to Pay Gretzky, who does not play ice hockey. 812 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:07,160 Wayne Gretzky does. 813 00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,520 I knew that! 814 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,440 So we have a play off now. 815 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,600 Holness. 816 00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:16,720 Holness. 817 00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:19,560 AUDIENCE: Ooooh! 818 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,400 Oooh. 819 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:23,480 I'm afraid Jessica must sit down. 820 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:24,680 Argh! 821 00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:27,600 Unfortunately, Stewart Holness has retired. 822 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,040 The winner is, ladies and gentlemen, 823 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,200 Rhod Gilbert! 824 00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:33,920 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 825 00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,960 Come down, let's add that to the total scores and see where we are. 826 00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,760 'So, come on, scoreboard, that's got to have really mixed things up. It has. 827 00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:50,960 This episode, it was close right to the end, but thanks to Bob Holness, 828 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,600 the winner with 20 points 829 00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:55,000 is Mr Rhod Gilbert! 830 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:56,680 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 831 00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,880 Rhod is the winner of episode eight. 832 00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:05,640 Rhod, go collect your creepy clutter! 833 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:07,240 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 834 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,120 So, what have we learned today? 835 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,440 We've learned if you're a lovely little match girl, 836 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:12,680 living in poverty, 837 00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:15,160 be careful who you're charitable to, 838 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,200 or you might get your shitting face shot off. 839 00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:21,120 See you next time for the penultimate part of this series. 840 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:22,760 Thank you. Goodnight! 841 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:24,400 {\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 842 00:43:29,240 --> 00:43:32,240 Subtitles by Red Bee Media